I’m not sure if I have any real followers, but I will keep at this!  I am sending out lots of love to all who struggle- because, well, I know how often those who do not have an eating disorder lose patience so easily.  Can we really blame them?  It’s just a difficult thing to understand, but this is why we need those who have come out of an eating disorder to use their experience for the good of others.  We understand. We do not judge.

Anyways, I wanted to ask those who may happen upon this post: How do you feel when good things happen to you?  You do well on a test, the guy you like, likes you or you get complimented for a talent you may have.  Do you feel guilty?  Like you don’t deserve any good things? 

If you do, I want to encourage you to take a moment- before the guilt sets in and say things such as “I deserve good things.” and just really let your mind focus on the “good’ feelings!  Sounds so corny, I know, but it’s worth a try, because when it comes down to it- we only have this one life and before you know it, you will be at the end of your life without really getting to enjoy all those wonderful moments!  Sure, I know some of us are in terrible situations and we may not see many wonderful moments and if that’s true- please message me!  I’d love to talk with you and encourage you of your worth and how joy can come, even through the most difficult of situations.  I am a testimony of that, for sure!

Sending love your way!

Quick thought:

Have you ever heard someone say, “I realize how blessed I am and how small my problems are when I think about how awful those kids have it in Africa.  I’m blessed.”  Maybe it is not said in that exact way, however the thought is identical.  We are blessed and they are not.  First of all, let me state my righteous horror at the things that occur in other countries- the disease, abandonment, poverty and death are horrendous, although I believe the worst thing a human can experience is despair.  It is so difficult to look at the pictures, hear the stories, and then realize how trivial our problems seem.  I do agree with this thought- it does help to get a little reminder of how small our problems really are, however my thought centers on the word “blessed.”  Being blessed comes from God- it is part of being in His family- we are promised that as children, we are blessed!  So, when we say “my problems are trivial compared to their problems. we are blessed,” in a sense you are saying they are void of blessing.  

How can this be?  They are loved, they were in the very heart of Christ when he died on the Cross.  They ARE blessed, despite their circumstances, in that they are not forgotten by God- no matter what they circumstances.  It is possible to blessed, which means happy, despite the circumstances.  Let’s all remember, that no matter what we are going through, and I admit eating disorders is one of the most torturous things to go through, we are blessed.  We have everything we need to have strength and self-approval rooted in love.  You are rooted in Love.  You are His and He specializes in deliverance.

The problem with emptiness is being empty.  I remember loving the feeling of being empty yet dreading the consequences that came along with it.  There is a certain amount of security that comes with the emptiness, yet the security comes with a price, which is the absolute seclusion.  Eating disorders cause seclusion, despite how many people may surround.  

I remember the feelings of emptiness- of being so conscious of my body.  I did not live through my body, but by my body.  My constant was the extent of feeling- how much did I feel? and did it feel too much?  Yet, as I soon found out, we are made to be full- overflowing with existence and purpose.  Of course I am not talking about food, although being full with delicious and healthy food is satisfactory and part of really living, but being full of presence, of purpose, of God.  You are overflowing, satisfied and the only awareness you have is of wholeness.  You are not fractured, living through the many voices of fear, but complete in Him.  It sounds so extreme, so imaginary, yet it is so real.  There really is only one life offered to us on this earth, before eternity sets in, and it can be beautiful!  

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.  All the things I want to do- all the things I could do.  My family’s situation is a little different than what mine used to be.  It is not my eating disorder which holds me back, but instead, it’s our financial situation.  We have no money.  We have debt.  But, I say, there are things I want to do!  Corny phrase, but for some reason it’s been on my mind lately- WE ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE TO LIVE.  It’s true.  Stop.  Think about this for a moment and let it sink in.  Think about the moments that pass by that will never come back again.

For me, I believe in eternal life.  But that’s different.  I’m not living merely for eternal life.  I have purpose here and now- amidst the total chaos, pain and suffering.  I have joyful purpose for a purposeful earth- created for these creatures of true-identity and God-breathed destiny.  This life- this now, will only be a short while.  There are things I want to do!

I wasted all of my youth on my eating disorder.  I hardly experienced high school.  I lost friends.  Lost a chance to truly better my education- to discover just how smart I was.  Now, because God is GOOD- it will not truly be wasted.  There is purpose even among the complete and utter disorder, the chilling story of disease and suffering.  Thank, God!

So, my question is:  What things do you want to do? (This question is for you.)  

And also, What risk would you take to make all your dreams come true?  I am thinking that it’s worth it to drop it all and pursue!  Live a life of risk and freedom, give and give and be full.

I had a terrible eating disorder from the time I was 11 until 22.  I remember the exact moment it started for me, or at least when the behaviors began.  I know exactly what helped it to end, although it sounds like a fantastical claim.  I truly understand why people say that you will never totally get rid of your “eating disorder.”  The professionals tell you that you will always have to fight the behaviors, or the voices, and it’s healthy coping skills which enable you to survive.  I think there is a truth to that, however it’s always possible to completely rid yourself of the devil- that narcissistic animal that dares to claim your identity as miserable and unworthy of all good things.  When you truly understand the worth of a human being- the worth of yourself as a human being, you realize the depth of a betrayal your eating disorder enacts upon you.  Your eating disorder is the ultimate betrayal.  It tricks you with a supposed friendship, only to find out it is your mortal enemy- as the devil is to all who are alive.  It hates you.

So, my story- I was anorexic with purging tendencies.  I have not thrown up in 4 years and have no restricted in the same amount.  I do not hear the same voices- and I am actually comfortable in my body.  This was my biggest desire- to feel comfortable in my body.  The comfort defined as a sort of invisibility- I did not want to always be so aware of how my body felt.  It was as if I could feel every cell of my body- always aware of the way my body moved, the way it would touch my clothes.  This has ended.  I am comfortable.  It’s my very own Heaven on earth compared to the hell I lived through.

So, there it is.  Ask me how I did it.  Come on.  :)  Love and everything good towards you all!